I would really love for this blog to be a hobby of mine. I would love to be able to sit down and write a new post once or twice a week and click that publish button unworryingly. I would love to see my blog grow as people slowly gravitated towards it, whether randomly or because they found it in other social media platforms.
I would love to talk about numerous things and make interesting varied posts. I hate how repetitive my blog is feeling right now, I hate how I can only talk about my lack of inspiration or my numbness. I hate how I can only talk about my distress or my inner struggles and I can’t write a normal upbeat post about some random stupid BB cream that I found at the grocery store and really liked. Because I miss that simplicity, that naiveness, that unexplained pointless joy. I miss going a day without struggling mentally, having to reflect upon and think myself through every single thing on my life. I miss going a day without focusing on my disorder so obsessively.
Living with anorexia has not been easy. It literally consumes your life. That’s another reason why I now want to pursue this blog even more.
An eating disorder takes over your every action, every thought, every feeling. It completely takes over your mind and body, it latches onto the side of your brain, sucking out everything in your life, inch by inch. It’s pretty scary if you think about it, how you get stuck between its manipulative fingers.
Nonetheless, I need to build up my life again. No, I don’t want to go back to my life before my eating disorder, but I can’t stay like this either. If I do I will quite literally die, as I am, in fact, dying. Doctors have said it, my body has said it. So, my aim is to recover: firstly with food, but also mentally.
I may think otherwise now, but being happy and living healthily actually feels great. Life can be wonderful, it can hold so many opportunities. It can bear numerous new experiences, new interests, new passions. There’s emotions to be felt, there’s memories to be made. Not everything consists in pain nor suffocating thoughts. There’s actually tons of laughter and fun adventures waiting. There’s new beautiful stages of life to come, there’s amazing things to come across.
And sometimes I forget that. I focus so much on my disorder and on my afflicted mind that I forget that there’s more things to focus on. There’s more to life than food, than exercising, than getting fit, than having a healthy lifestyle, than how your body looks. What about my interests, my passions? What about what I actually want to do, what about what I enjoy? What about my future, what about all the things that are yet to be done, to be felt, to be experienced? What about my family? What about myself as a person? What about my personality? Don’t those count too?
I should try to enjoy other things, have other passions, other hobbies, rather than only compulsively thinking on how much I should eat, how much I should work out, how much healthier I should eat, how much I am actually eating, how much I am actually exercising, how I should do this, how I should do that – on how I should live.
Moreover, I need to believe that I am going to be able to find a better life beyond this, that I won’t go back to my old meaningless life. I need to believe that it is possible and that I have the means to do it and achieve it. I need to believe that I should want to have a better life. I need to believe that I should love myself and take care of myself.
I don’t get why self-love seems so selfish to me, why I’m so terrified of taking decisions based on what’s best for me and no one else. Shouldn’t we all want to take care of ourselves in the best way possible? Shouldn’t we all want to thrive? Shouldn’t we all want to be ultimately happy? I mean, isn’t that the main goal in life? Why should it be to simply survive? Wouldn’t we be bettering the world around us by simply bettering ourselves?
Of course, as my self-hatred is very deeply entrenched within me, it will take time. And I need to accept it and choose to recover nonetheless. Because death is not the answer. Being hospitalized is not the answer. Giving up without even trying is not the answer.
So I wanted to start this blog again to find some freedom again. I’m going to push myself to write here the very least once a week, even if all posts end up being about the same things over and over again (not like it hasn’t already happened), even if all I manage to do is talk about my lack of inspiration. But I will not give up.
And I hope you don’t too.