First of all, I want to apologize for the lack of enthusiasm in this post. I thought, as I don’t really have a fun idea planned, I would simply write a little recovery update. I don’t even know if I’m writing this post for you guys to read or for myself, but I’m willing to try anyways (and also because I’m still keeping my promise of posting every saturday).
So, things have been hard. Even though I have these joyful break through moments (for instance, that last post), I have even darker moments than before. I feel the sick part of me screaming at me to go back, to stop eating again, and it honestly takes all my effort to fight it back. And this battle, which consists of me fighting against myself, goes on and on every single day.
Moreover, I sometimes feel like I’m getting even sadder, which is odd. I feel like my mind is not reacting and recovering as fast as my body seems to, which kind of terrifies me. What if I restore my weight but remain broken? What if my mind goes straight to that sickened state again as soon as my doctors say that I’m no longer at risk?
And what will my life look like? What will it be like to not have this disease? What if I go back to being forced to ignore my sadness, my problems, my mental health in general?
Furthermore, I’m extremely tired. I have these little moments where I just want it all to disappear, where I just want everything to end, these couple of minutes of excruciating pain where I wish I could simply cease to exist, where living doesn’t even feel bearable.
However, I’m pushing through and, somehow, my healthy part is really determined to not let my sick one win.
Another good thing that has happened this week is that I’ve finally let myself eat, without measuring or counting, and start to intuitively do so.
And I’ve been eating a lot, let me just tell you. But I tell myself that that’s just my body healing and that it’s completely normal. However, I’m still completely terrified. I’m scared I’m overeating, I’m scared I will never be able to stop, I’m scared I will always feel this hungry.
Moreover, I feel like now I have to remind myself 24/7 that recovery is better than returning back to anorexia. That starving myself will only make my life miserable, that there’s so much more to life than this. Because it’s so hard, guys. It’s exhausting having to fight yourself every single day, it’s exhausting having to remind myself that gaining weight is a good thing.
And it’s even harder because it felt so freaking good to relapse a little the other week, to eat a little bit. But I’m glad I stopped it, since I do not want to go back whatsoever.
And I hate how my mind has this stupid way of thinking that weight loss is good. Right now, in my situation, weight loss is NOT good. In fact, it’s very dangerous and harmful. It’s deadly. So why am I still drawn to it?
Nevertheless, on the other hand, I’m beginning to accept, and even appreciate myself. And today I’ve realized that what I eat doesn’t really matter – I’m going to love myself no matter how much or what I’ve eaten or even what I look like. Because food doesn’t define me. My smile, my favorite books, my sense of humour…-those are the tiny little things that make me who I am. Not the freaking 3 apples I ate all at once. I am not disgusting for “bingeing” a small bit. I am healing. And that’s okay. I forgive myself.
Therefore, I’ve definitely come a long away. It took so many hours and tears for me to finally start forgiving myself and realize that I do matter, and it’s relieving in some sort of way. So it’s good that I’m at least making progress in that sense.
Furthermore, this morning I was thinking about it and maybe anorexia was simply a way that I found to express my inner pain, to externalize it. Since I’d already felt broken before I started losing weight, maybe it was a way for me to show and let out some of it, just like when I self-harmed: perhaps it was a way for me to let out what I felt deep inside, and, somehow, be able to see it right in front of me instead of having to go through it, to detach it from me so that I could distance myself from it. Because that’s what I do- I detach and distance myself from what hurts.
Well, I hope this post was interesting to any of you guys, even though I know you all have your own problems and worries. I’m just sharing a little bit of mine and I hope some of you can find comfort in being able to relate, or maybe just find it fascinating to read, since our minds are awesome things to focus on and try to understand how they work.
I hope you have a lovely day x.